four.

There is nothing more heart-wrenching than seeing my son "stressed out". It's just not natural. It's not okay that my vibrant, funny, charismatic and SMART four year old gets anxious and his shoulders sag when we start practicing our letters and writing. It's not fair that he tells me it's hard, and that he's sad. His head goes to his hands and he won't make eye contact. He gets jittery and can't sit still. None of this should be happening. Learning is supposed to be fun. He's four.

From the time we started thinking about school, I began to worry about expectations for Porter. I've always wanted to keep him small, protect his childhood, give him time to be a kid. But our society says that our children need to learn more, be smarter, know everything, and of course, do it now. He's expected to read and write before kindergarten. Unfortunately, that's doesn't work for our little man. He's just four.

I've never heard anything so repulsive than hearing him say "I can't." This phrase goes all over me. I want to blame people. I want to scream at someone. I want to hold him in my arms, look him in the eye, and say "Yes, you can." I want him to know that he is smart and capable and that he's going to be okay. After all, he's only four.

We sat down last night to practice writing his name. Mostly, I wanted to encourage him to trace letters, because they've been going over tracing his name at school. Every time he brings a paper home, he hasn't even attempted to do it.... again he's four.

I made sure our practice was light-hearted and fun. I explained that the letter "P" was just a line and a circle. We practiced drawing some lines and then some circles. Daddy helped out, too. He did great, although his attention span is short and we had to keep showing him how to hold the crayon. He was way more interested in the Star Wars Angry Birds stickers in his crayon box than writing a "P", but that's to be expected. He's four years old.

All in all, our practice lasted less than 10 minutes. It's literally all his little body could do to stay in one area of our house for that long. At first I was frustrated that we only got ten minutes of practice in, but then I considered that it was after 8pm, which is normally bed time. He had to wake up at 6:30 for school that morning, eat breakfast in the car, and I'm sure he struggled to take a nap. He had a long 9 hour day at "school" and then a full afternoon of dinner, bath and a tiny bit of play time. His little body was exhausted, and here I was asking him to practice writing letters before bed. What was I thinking? He's four years old!

The recurring theme of our practice session was his anxiety and fret. He was worried because he couldn't do it right. He was nervous because Mom and Dad were both watching him perform. His tiny fingers gripped his crayon so tight and pressed down on the construction paper as he shakily drug the crayon down, and then his eyes would quickly scan my face for approval, or his worst feat, disapproval. What are we doing to this tiny guy? He's FOUR!

Last night's experience shed a bit of light on all the struggles and battles we have with Porter. My mom mentioned earlier in the week that he had a lot of "stressors" in his little life, and while I knew she was right, and I always trust her opinion, I couldn't readily think of any stresses other than school. But last night made me thing about it more. Maybe he's always waiting on the next time to mess up. He is under a lot of pressure at school, to be like the other kids, to say the right words, to color the right way, to play the right way, to potty the right way, to listen and walk the right way. Then we take him to church, and it starts all over again. He has to learn his bible verse, and listen to a story, and play nicely and use his manners, and walk not run in the church, and be quiet during the prayer and do and say all the right things all over again. Then it happens at home, too. It's a lot for his four year old brain!

It makes perfect sense that he would act out. It makes perfect sense that he would be strong willed, and stand his ground on the small stuff, because honestly, those are the only things he can control.
 I don't know exactly why he feels this way, or how we got to this point, but I do know that it's not God's will for him. I know that God has a better plan for Porter Jay. He has a life full of promise and hope and encouragement and I know that God can fix this situation.

Now, let me say that I have been very intentional about encouraging Porter and helping him, but not putting too much stress or work on him, and I am sure that his school and his teachers try to do the same thing. I'm not pointing fingers, and I'm not saying I'm blameless, but I am saying that something has got to give. I cannot watch my sweet son STRESS. Not yet. Not now.

So, from now on, and really from birth until now, I'm praying that Brad and I can make the right decisions for Porter. I'm praying we find a balance between FUN and learning. I'm praying that I can stay calm and take his stress away. Please pray with me.